The space between the death and the funeral.
Saying goodbye, I knew it was time, she was decomposing in front of my eyes. But it was so hard. so so hard.
I was never alone at the hospital for the 3 days following and they
kept me with the same nurses the whole time. I am so grateful for the
hairdo, pedicure, visits and the property brothers that kept me company
in that hospital room. I'm also grateful we had a nice view out our
window. I find light extremely healing.
As I got out my notebook/journal to write a note to my nurses who had taken such good care of me, I stumbled upon this page that Aria had created just two days before we lost Evie. Her little testimony was just what I needed that day. If she knew it, than I could know it too.
Leaving that
hospital was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was time to
get back to reality. Plan a funeral. I wanted to hold her again.
desperately.
Holding her in a special blanket overnighted from my Aunt Judy. We still sleep with this blanket. The little bracelet was from the hospital. So small and perfect.
Nate is really such a tremendous father. I know it will be wonderful to do this all over again with him someday.
They let me hold her at the mortuary again
as long as I wanted to. When I went back to see her, she looked more
awful than I could have imagined. I couldn't believe how fast the body
deteriorates. I had them put makeup on her so that the kids wouldn't be
scared of her. She looked a little bit like a porcelain doll. Still not totally herself, but better.
I had made her two blankets before I went on vacation and in wanting to give her something from me, I had a friend overnight them to me. It was a tremendous tender mercy that my friend even had a key to my house. We buried her wrapped in one ofmine. and then I kept the other one and I definitely snuggle with the one from my Aunt Judy. I can't tell you how much peace and comfort that little blanket brought me. It felt good to hold something to my chest, something that had touched her to help me feel close to her. To help me not feel so empty. To fill the vacancy that will always be too large to fill.
My Sister and Sister-in-law came with me one last time to the mortuary before the viewing. It was sweet to hold her again. Then they went and helped me pick out some new shoes for the funeral. I wanted to feel beautiful and being pregnant, I had only brought sandals. So I went and bought 4" heels. I'm so grateful for my sisters.
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about grief. I've met with a grief counselor. I've spent time with family.
Books I recommend:
Tear Soup
An LDS perspective on infant loss:
Gone Too Soon
For General Child Loss:
After the Darkest Hour, The Sun Will Shine Again
For kids:
We Were Going to Have a Baby, but we had an Angel instead
I've been trying to figure out what I want to keep of her and what I need to let go. Sometimes I cry a lot. I still cry every day. Despite how sad and depressing reading all this might be, I promise that I do have hope.
I know that I will get to see her again. God has given me verification many times over concerning this matter. She is my gift. I just need to figure out what this gift is teaching me and I need to do what God is asking of me. There are so many things that don't seem to matter anymore. Life's too short not to hug. Relationships are the only thing you can take with you. I want to make her beautiful and short life last forever. I want her to know that I love her with every fiber of my being. I tell my kids that they'll have to receive the amount of love that I have for 3 children between just the 2 of them. I know God loves me. I know Eve loves me. Power will come to me as I need it. This experience will change me. I will be better. I will become who He wants me to be. I will be someone she would be proud to call 'Mom'.
Saying goodbye, I knew it was time, she was decomposing in front of my eyes. But it was so hard. so so hard.
As I got out my notebook/journal to write a note to my nurses who had taken such good care of me, I stumbled upon this page that Aria had created just two days before we lost Evie. Her little testimony was just what I needed that day. If she knew it, than I could know it too.
I had made her two blankets before I went on vacation and in wanting to give her something from me, I had a friend overnight them to me. It was a tremendous tender mercy that my friend even had a key to my house. We buried her wrapped in one ofmine. and then I kept the other one and I definitely snuggle with the one from my Aunt Judy. I can't tell you how much peace and comfort that little blanket brought me. It felt good to hold something to my chest, something that had touched her to help me feel close to her. To help me not feel so empty. To fill the vacancy that will always be too large to fill.
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about grief. I've met with a grief counselor. I've spent time with family.
Books I recommend:
Tear Soup
An LDS perspective on infant loss:
Gone Too Soon
For General Child Loss:
After the Darkest Hour, The Sun Will Shine Again
For kids:
We Were Going to Have a Baby, but we had an Angel instead
I've been trying to figure out what I want to keep of her and what I need to let go. Sometimes I cry a lot. I still cry every day. Despite how sad and depressing reading all this might be, I promise that I do have hope.
I know that I will get to see her again. God has given me verification many times over concerning this matter. She is my gift. I just need to figure out what this gift is teaching me and I need to do what God is asking of me. There are so many things that don't seem to matter anymore. Life's too short not to hug. Relationships are the only thing you can take with you. I want to make her beautiful and short life last forever. I want her to know that I love her with every fiber of my being. I tell my kids that they'll have to receive the amount of love that I have for 3 children between just the 2 of them. I know God loves me. I know Eve loves me. Power will come to me as I need it. This experience will change me. I will be better. I will become who He wants me to be. I will be someone she would be proud to call 'Mom'.
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