Goodbye Evie

I'm writing this now 6 months later. Tomorrow will be 7 months. On this day, I don't remember a lot. I definitely had a lot of pain killers in my body, but nothing could really take away the pain that hurt the most. However, I put on a brave face and figured out the logistics of everything and did what I wanted. I don't regret very much which I am very happy to report. My one regret is that we had taken a family photo in natural light. But these photos are what they are and they tell the story probably best anyway. We were never going to be able to fake a happy photo.

That morning I woke up, did hair and headed to the mortuary. The viewing was at 9 and we were a little late.

Aria broke down pretty hard while we were there. I spent most of that hour holding her. Giving hugs to others and giving other people a chance to hold her.

I think my Mother held her again. My Grandma Sherma - she's so fond of babies. Chelsea and Nate gave her to his Mom. I'm not sure if she was comfortable with it, but he needed her to be so I'm glad she did.

We gave Jeff one last chance to hold her. I still am not sure what's happening in his little brain in regards to his baby sister, but I don't think he'll regret it, even if he did feel forced to hold her.

After that we said our last goodbyes. I held her close, slipped off her bracelet and closed the casket. I had the opportunity to say the family prayer at the mortuary. I think I gave it all that I had in me. I've shared what things I said in my journal, but I specifically still remember that she will be with us and that she is with her Grandma Leona and LaRee.

 

The kids were so excited to ride over in the limo with baby Evie. Nate and Aria had to go to the bathroom before we left so Jeff and I sat here and waited for them. It was nice to see him showing affection in his way. He doesn't like to hug even me very much, but when I saw his leg up by her, I knew he was trying to show love the way he does. I love this little guy so much.

 

 I wrote this on instagram: "One of my absolute favorite moments from yesterday was waiting in the limo with Evie and Jeff for Nate and Aria to go to the bathroom. Jeff has had a hard time with this, dealing with the loss in his own and unexpected way. He wouldn't touch more than her hair in the hospital and he definitely didn't want to hold her or look at her. To be Frank, he's probably been smarter than us all about not being attached to her body. #idbuildmyhousenexttohergraveificould But yesterday he decided it was OK to hold her when I told him it was his last chance. He didn't hold her very long but he wanted to do it. And when we got in the limo #goodpart2of2foraria he was concerned that she wouldn't have a seatbelt. He wanted to sit by her and had his hand on the casket, or his leg up to protect her from falling pretty much the whole way to the cemetery. He is such a good big brother, just like I knew he would be. #myjeffyboy #evielaree #n8man #metcalfmortuary #themakeuptheyputonhermadeherlooklikealittlebabydoll #thankheavensforlittlegirls #doesthecryingeverstop #iwishitfeltproductive #ijustmissher"

Because my hometown is just too pretty. It was hard driving this road. I cry still thinking about it.

They let Nate carry her and set her on the table. The pictures don't really do justice for how we were feeling but this felt really "out of body" for me.

They decorated her casket with beautiful flowers. I'm glad I called them on Friday to make sure I had an opinion on what the flowers looked like. I thought I could just let them make the decisions, but I was wrong and I'm so glad that I didn't. Hot pink was definitely more how I felt about her. She was more spunky than sweet. I love the roses too.

My Dad was in charge of the meeting - He did a great job. I will include the dictation from the meeting here:

Thanks for coming everybody. Appreciate everybody being here. Are we aware of anybody that we’re missing? I kind of did a quick scan but I think I think we’re here.

On behalf on Nate and Aubrey and their family, I’ve been asked to conduct this particular portion of our graveside service and I’m grateful for the opportunity. Appreciate every one of you being here and for all the love and support that has been offered

We’d like to start off with an opening song, we’re going to all sing “I am a Child of God” Nate’s going to accompany us on the guitar. This particular song wasn't written by Eve’s Great-great grandmother, is that right? Two greats? Mildred Pettit, you’ll see that in my primary songbook if you look at it. So this song has some special meaning for our family.

Following this particular song, we’ll have our opening prayer by Eve’s grandfather Trey, Trey Pettit

“I am a Child of God, And He has sent me here

Has given me an earthly home, With parents kind and dear”

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, Help me find the way

Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday

I am a Child of god and so my needs are great

Help me to understand His words before it grows too late

Lead me guide me walk beside me, Help me find the way

Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday

I am a child of God rich blessings are in store

If I but learn to do His will I’ll live with Him once more

Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me, help me find the way

Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday.

Trey: "Our Father in Heaven,

we are grateful for thy son Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation. We are grateful for the families gathered here. We ask thy blessing upon us that we will have thy spirit in our hearts to comfort, lead and guide us. We especially ask thee to be with Nathan and Aubrey and their families. And we ask they blessing upon us this day in the name of Thy son Jesus Christ, Amen."

Steve: "The rest of our program will go as follows.

First we’re going to have a lullaby “You are my Sunshine” sung by Jeff and Aria, Eve’s brother and sister. Then we’re going to allow some time for the bearing of testimonies so anyone that would like to come up and share their testimony, we’d invite you to come forward.

Following the bearing of testimonies we’ll have another song. The song is Amazing grace. It’ll be sung by Eve’s Father Nate, her uncles and her grandfathers. And this particular arrangement of Amazing grace was composed by Eve’s Aunt Rachel.

And then following that song Amazing Grace we will have the Dedication of the grave by her father Nate Pettit and after that our services will be concluded

So Jeff, and Aria"

[video]

You are my sunshine my only sunshine

you make me happy when skies are gray

you’ll never know dear how much I love you,

please don’t take my sunshine away.

The other night dear as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

and when I woke dear I was mistaken

so I hung my head and I cried

so let the sunshine in, face it with a grin,

smilers never lose and frowners never win

so let the sunshine in, face it with a grin.

Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.

These are the people who bore testimonies.

Julie "Nate asked that I would do this. I’ve been thinking of many things and I remember speaking to Nate a few weeks ago and he told me that he and Aubrey had individual separate spiritual experiences where they knew that part of Eve’s name should be LaRee. And I know that’s a unique experience, that kind of thing doesn’t happen very often. It was a tender mercy to know that she was meant to be part of their family, that she belongs to them, now and forever. And one other thing that a friend reminded me of that I almost forgot that 39 years ago we began our eternal family which because of priesthood covenants has gone on for 3 generations and I am so grateful for those priesthood covenants. For the knowledge of a Savior that lives and that Evie too lives. Like the hymn says she’s only gone too heaven. She’s only fulfilling her role in the family and she will be there to greet us when we move on. I love my Savior, I trust him and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this family. In the name of Jesus Christ amen."

LaRae "I too was asked by Aubrey and Nate to bear my testimony and certainly I want to do it for them because I love them so deeply. I too have a testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ, I know He lives. I also have had some experiences through my life that have borne witness to me that we lived before we came here as families that we lived and loved each other completely. I also know without a doubt where Eve is right now because of the experiences that I have had.

I’ve recently been looking at pictures of  I’ve just been drawn to pictures that the church has put out, of people being beared up with by Angels and I know that we have angels all around us. I know that those who have gone before us and love us will lift us and help us through this difficult time.

I’m so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have and the great plan of happiness that our Heavenly Father has set out for us. I want you to know that I know the gospel is true that I know that as we hold through it we can make it through this experience and I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen."

Great Grandpa Radmall "Isn’t the gospel wonderful? In fact we know that we have a resurrection and that we’ll see our loved ones once again. We’ve all experienced or some time in our life we will experience the loss of a loved one and I know that Eve will have that opportunity to see those that have passed on before her. I’m grateful that we have the gospel of Jesus Christ and that He lives. We will also have that opportunity to be resurrected and live once again. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen."

Grandpa Trey "I’m grateful for a heavenly Father who loves me enough to send His only begotten son to die for me and to take upon Him the suffering for the things that I mistake in. I’m grateful for Jesus Christ for how He has blessed my life by overcoming all and taking away my grief and my pain.I bear testimony that Jesus and our Father live and that they guide us and lead us. They are real and they love us very much. Sometimes we don’t understand all the things that we see and experience on this earth, but they are for our good. I love my Heavenly Father and I bear testimony of Him in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

At this point Jeff was getting tired or hot or bored or all of the above. :) Still my little sweetheart.

Rob Kevan "I am a friend to the Pettit family. I am very happy to be called uncle by their children. When I think of Christ and situations like these, I remember that he was a man of grief and sorrow. Well acquainted. I’m not acquainted with grief, especially not like he was. I’ve heard it described as a loss of a loved one is losing a limb. No matter how long you go, it’s never going to be there. Or a cut, a really deep one that hurts really bad. Time might change the feeling but the only real escape is the knowledge of our Savior Jesus Christ. And what he did for us. And tha tall wounds, even the loss of limbs or loved ones will be healed by Him. I am very grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I am very grateful for your Savior Jesus Christ because without Him I wouldn’t have you. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Aria "I wanted to say that I am very glad that our Savior lives because once we are resurrected and Eve comes back and so do we, we will be able to know her again and know what it was like before she died. I’m very glad and grateful that Heavenly Father gave us the opportunity to be able to be resurrected and that we can know loved ones that have passed away. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen."

 I was shocked my baby girl got up there and bore her sweet testimony. She is braver than I.

Uncle Jared "My name is Jared, I’m Aubrey’s brother and I have a very strong testimony of the gospel. This whole experience has been really hard but as I was sitting there looking at Eve I just had it’s Such a small body but such a big spirit. My testimony of the Book of Mormon is strong and I’m grateful for the knowledge that we have specifically fromt eh book of Mormon of eternal families and of children that pass away before they have the opportunity to learn and grow and make mistakes and be baptized. I know that through Jesus Christ we are all made alive, including little children. I am grateful for my eternal family and Aubrey and Nate for their example to me. I’d like to say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen."

Great-Grandpa Swallow "I know the gospel is true. My mother was an angel. She died when I was 2 years and 2 months old. My sisters tell me that we had lots of fun, that I had lots of fun with my Mother. One day, when I’d just turned two years old, according to my sister, I asked my Mother to give me a penny and she said, I don’t have a penny but you can have this nickel. Well I said I don’t want a nickel. I want a penny. And she said well there’s 5 pennies here and I said well “Cut the pennies out!” and my sister tells me lots of things about my Mother and so I’m grateful for her and my brothers and sisters and for the testimony that I’m sure she inspired me to be. I know the gospel is true. I’m grateful for the family that I have and the friends that I’ve had and the opportunity I’ve had to help others. I know the gospel is true in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Okay, we’d invite those that are participating in the song to come on up.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

 was blind but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to hear

and grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear

the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers toils and snares

I have already come

tis grace has brought me safe thus far

and grace will lead me home.

The lord has promised good to me.

His word my home secures.

He will my shield and portion be

as long as life endures.

Yes when this flesh and heart shall fail

and mortal life shall cease.

I shall possess within the veil

a life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

the sun forbear to shine.

But God who called me hear below

will be forever mine.

Amazing grace. Amazing grace. Amazing, Amazing Grace.

After that, Nate gave the dedicatory prayer, as follows: "Our heavenly Father, by the authority of the melchezedik Priesthood, I consecrate and dedicate this plot of earth for the burial and resting place of Eve LaRee Pettit and ask that thou will please hollow this ground and protect it until the day of the glorious resurrection when all that is old shall pass away and be made new. I ask that thou wilt bless Eve’s family to know of thy love, to feel of thy spirit and to be watched over by her. We have been given reassurances from the scriptures. We know that Eve was wonderfully and marvelously made. She is the workmanship of thine hand and her body, every hair will be restored. We know the power of the resurrection and we believe in it and thank Thee for it and dedicate this grave and do so in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

After we gave hugs and said our final goodbyes, my friend Karly took some beautiful family pictures for us. I couldn't pick just one because I like them all for different reasons.

This one is in there because Jeff is always less than stellar at smiling and I wanted it to be presentable. Karly did a great job with the lighting and everything. I'm so glad we have this beautiful picture from her grave.

I think this is a pretty good framing.

Evie is nestled in between us and I love it.

We drove back tot he mortuary in the limo. Aria got to keep the rose and the bear that came with Evie's casket. I'm glad someone watched over her as we drove away.

When we went back to see, They had just finished covering her casket and refilling her grave. It made me a little nervous because it had been hours later when we went back.

It ended up being quite windy. I'm grateful for those that were willing to come with me up to her grave afterwards. We set up the beautiful flowers.

We kept the things we wanted. I was really pleased with the name placard they made for her. It's a beautiful temporary marker.

The only real thing I remember about the luncheon is that by some miracle, we ended up with a Croshaw's lemon cream pie. My absolute favorite dessert, not solicited by the Relief Society. Just dropped off by a neighbor. This was the first dessert to disappear and Kris had saved a piece just for me. I wanted to enjoy something and although eating didn't sound very exciting at the time, it did taste good and for that I am grateful.

I would also like to mention that I don't think anyone in my family will every be able to eat Chicken Bowtie Pasta Salad. EVER again. People were so generous when they brought us gigantic servings of this salad, but after the 4th offering, My Mom finally got up the guts to turn it away.

When we found out Evie was a girl, we told the kids her gender with silly string.

To celebrate her birthday we bought 10 cans of it and went to town.

It was nice to laugh and play for once. even if I was on tons of drugs.

As you can tell, the kids loved it.

May god be with us both until we meet again.

I am so thankful that I got to hold you and carry you and love you in your sweet little body in a way that no one in this world possibly could. You are my angel. too pure and perfect to be with us now, but oh how I rejoice in the reunion soon to come when our Lord and Savior can be with us again.

We love you!