Recovery

The first Sunday back after Evie's death, Nate went to church with our siblings and I stayed home recovering from my C-section. They stopped by to see Devin's plaque.

"Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." - D&C 122:9

Nate said of the moment: "With all that has happened in the past week, knowing that "bounds are set," and "thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less," comforted me greatly. God has a number of days or years known for each of us. He calls us home in His time, with His infinite wisdom. His wisdom far surpasses mine. I felt God reassure me, that Eve went home when she was supposed to. I must accept that. As hard as it is. As hard as it will be. Each day is known to God. Each."

I feel really blessed to be related to a man with such a testimony.
  
My first outing post-Eve. Darn c sections. Can't swim forever. #attackgrandmathen #beautifulsouthernutah #evielaree #lilmissaria #myjeffyboy #radmallcousins We went to the Ivins Reservoir to swim. It was so fun for the kids. I was 6 days postpartum and still very sad, but it was nice to get out in nature. I'll never forget how shortly after this, I was at the library in Southern Utah and feeling so surreal. It felt crazy to be so sad and overcome with such pain and darkness and to watch everything else around me continuing on like normal, it felt so unfair and awful. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE needed to be mourning like me.

 A friend invited us over to meet her puppies. She is also a mother who has lost a child and knew that animals can be helpful. I'm not sure if they were, but it was fun being with the puppies. 
That one time we treated ourselves to puppy therapy. #thankspatrice #greatdane #ineedapuppy #myjeffyboy #lilmissaria #thekidswereinheaven

 

 On the way home from said therapy, I thought it was fun to see my boys playing. Acting normally. It sort of made me mildly panic to see his head hanging above the concrete, but I do really love to see them playing during such a sad time in our lives.

The next day we made a break for home. Part of me just really wanted to get it over with it. Thinking that if I experienced it earlier I could get all the pain to go away. My parents bought plane tickets to come stay with me and my family and we planned trips every few weeks to have the support I so desperately needed. I always had something to look forward to. and then I wanted to get going home over with. We stopped by Kanab to see my grandma's grave. It felt hallowed and sacred to be there with her.

When we got back we tried all sorts of things to make life fun. Especially for the kids. We went to a Skeeter's game. Aria hated the game but loved playing at the splash park there. Jeff loved the game AND the splash park. We all came home with bobble head dolls. I mean, who wouldn't want a bobble head doll?

After my parents left I had a few friends really step in. Some were in the ways I wanted and some were in the ways I didn't want. But regardless, they tried, which meant more than they could ever know. They know who they are. Someone painted this angel for me. Although I can't hang it up, the thought was so tender and extremely kind.

In an effort to get rid of all our baby stuff, I didn't know what to do with some of the things. Jeff insisted that he really wanted a baby bottle. Luckily for him, I was totally a pushover at this point, so he got what he wanted. Because everyone needs a baby bottle while riding bikes #stillneedsme #hardday #heputiceinhisbottle #houstonishot #myjeffyboy

And seriously... look at how cute my kids are. For siblings that spend half their time faking punches at each other, they sure need one another. I'm so grateful they do. #mornings #lilmissaria #myjeffyboy #tiredeyes #blessed

 

The first of thousands of little league games #myjeffyboy #defense? #mostlyanoveractivespectatorthistime #basketball #betterthananycomedymovie #laughtherapy

Luckily, he did get better every game he played.

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes you feel like it lasts forever and other times you wish it would stand still. June was officially the longest month of my life. I prayed every day that time would speed up a little. It's hard to miss someone so fiercely it hurts. I believe in the opportunity I'll have to be Evie's mom in the millennium, but I sure wish I didn't have to wait. 

We listened to some of Nate's songs that month. He has a few that he's written for previous girlfriends that I won't ever let him listen to...(I'm the jealous type...;) but I decided it might be healing to hear his lyrics and his music. One of them he wrote for the girl he left at home when he went on his mission. None of the other verses really applied but I thought this verse was written for Evie.

"And now I find you, she
Holds the piece
That this world feels a release
In your presence so pure
You are the cure
You're God's newest masterpiece.
In your faith you can shield
Even me
You're a peaceful melody
You are the one holding me."
It's called Pure.

Or you could listen to Jeff's cool song about death. Y'know oranges and apples.